A romantic noir comedy in five acts with music, vinegar, and emotional carbohydrates Setting: Salford, England Length: Approx. 3,000 words (can be trimmed or expanded for performance) Characters:
Amira – quick-witted, sarcastic, emotionally guarded
Jack – affable, awkward, persistently charming
Nana Mo – Amira’s cheeky gran with snacks and secrets
Ezra – Jack’s best mate, local DJ, lives for gossip
Mysterious Councilman – possibly corrupt, maybe a baker
ACT I: “Batter Beginnings”
Scene: A chip shop near Salford Quays. Rain taps glass. Grease glistens like guilt.
JACK: (behind Amira in line) Did you just order the last of the chips and the custard creams? AMIRA: You snooze, you snack-loser. JACK: That was bold. I was ready to declare war over those biscuits. AMIRA: With vinegar on your cuff? You’d lose on principle. JACK: This is emotional sabotage. I demand reparations—in pickled form. AMIRA: One pickled egg. My final offer. JACK: Done. But I want your number as compensation. AMIRA: Only if you promise not to text me chip emojis past midnight. Musical Interlude: ? “She’s got salt on her fingers, vinegar on my pride / Met her by the fryer, now I’m tongue-tied…”
ACT II: “Parked Hearts”
Scene: Buile Hill Park. Amira, Jack, and Nana Mo share a wonky picnic blanket.
NANA MO: That lad brought pickled eggs. Marry him before his brain recovers. JACK: And emotional vulnerability. It’s the full picnic package. AMIRA: You even brought Lucozade. This is borderline a proposal. JACK: Just say yes before it rains. AMIRA: I say maybe. That’s my romantic default. (Ezra bikes past, blasting music from his speaker.) EZRA: Amira! Your mystery man’s got good snack game. AMIRA: It’s why I tolerate his presence. Musical Interlude: ? “Toast too burnt, rom-coms too sappy / But somehow you make being weird look happy…”
ACT III: “Zoning Out”
Scene: Jack uncovers mysterious paperwork in the chip shop storeroom. Nana Mo knows too much.
JACK: Why does this battered sausage blueprint have a council seal? NANA MO: Sometimes a sausage is more than a sausage, lad. AMIRA: Are you saying this chip shop’s involved in a scandal? EZRA: Heard whispers. The Frog and Furkin’s being turned into a crematorium-slash-recycling hub. JACK: That’s obscene. They host pub quizzes there. AMIRA: And it’s where I won my first karaoke battle. We must resist. Musical Interlude: ?ﾸﾏ “Secrets in grease stains, answers in crumbs / A love wrapped in paper, when the truth finally comes…”
ACT IV: “Fry-Day Wedding”
Scene: A wild wedding party. Amira and Jack crash. Ezra DJs in sequins. Nana Mo flirts shamelessly.
EZRA: Your girl just downed prosecco and told the groom’s aunt she’s an astrologer. JACK: She’s unpredictable. It’s half the appeal. AMIRA: We said we’re engaged for free booze. That’s love-adjacent. JACK: Want to make it real? AMIRA: Only if chips are the ring bearers. Musical Interlude: ? “Fake vows, true sparks, borrowed fries / Dancing through lies where romance defies…”
ACT V: “The Grease Rebellion”
Scene: Outside the Frog and Furkin, protest signs, chip-themed chants. Amira leads. Jack stands with her.
AMIRA: They want our memories incinerated. Our snacks pulverized. JACK: Then we fight with ketchup and passion. EZRA: DJ booth ready. Pickled egg artillery loaded. NANA MO: I baked emotional support pasties. (They rally. Chant. Laugh. Even the Councilman seems moved.) COUNCILMAN: Perhaps we were wrong. The grease runs deep. JACK: Told you. Romance and rebellion. AMIRA: Kiss me. But next time, bring tartar sauce. Musical Finale: ? “Love in wrappers, dreams in crumbs / Together we’re golden, no matter what comes…” [CURTAIN]
A romantic noir comedy in five acts with music, vinegar, and emotional carbohydrates Setting: Salford, England Length: Approx. 3,000 words (can be trimmed or expanded for performance) Characters:
Amira – quick-witted, sarcastic, emotionally guarded
Jack – affable, awkward, persistently charming
Nana Mo – Amira’s cheeky gran with snacks and secrets
Ezra – Jack’s best mate, local DJ, lives for gossip
Mysterious Councilman – possibly corrupt, maybe a baker
ACT I: “Batter Beginnings”
Scene: A chip shop near Salford Quays. Rain taps glass. Grease glistens like guilt.
JACK: (behind Amira in line) Did you just order the last of the chips and the custard creams? AMIRA: You snooze, you snack-loser. JACK: That was bold. I was ready to declare war over those biscuits. AMIRA: With vinegar on your cuff? You’d lose on principle. JACK: This is emotional sabotage. I demand reparations—in pickled form. AMIRA: One pickled egg. My final offer. JACK: Done. But I want your number as compensation. AMIRA: Only if you promise not to text me chip emojis past midnight. Musical Interlude: ? “She’s got salt on her fingers, vinegar on my pride / Met her by the fryer, now I’m tongue-tied…”
ACT II: “Parked Hearts”
Scene: Buile Hill Park. Amira, Jack, and Nana Mo share a wonky picnic blanket.
NANA MO: That lad brought pickled eggs. Marry him before his brain recovers. JACK: And emotional vulnerability. It’s the full picnic package. AMIRA: You even brought Lucozade. This is borderline a proposal. JACK: Just say yes before it rains. AMIRA: I say maybe. That’s my romantic default. (Ezra bikes past, blasting music from his speaker.) EZRA: Amira! Your mystery man’s got good snack game. AMIRA: It’s why I tolerate his presence. Musical Interlude: ? “Toast too burnt, rom-coms too sappy / But somehow you make being weird look happy…”
ACT III: “Zoning Out”
Scene: Jack uncovers mysterious paperwork in the chip shop storeroom. Nana Mo knows too much.
JACK: Why does this battered sausage blueprint have a council seal? NANA MO: Sometimes a sausage is more than a sausage, lad. AMIRA: Are you saying this chip shop’s involved in a scandal? EZRA: Heard whispers. The Frog and Furkin’s being turned into a crematorium-slash-recycling hub. JACK: That’s obscene. They host pub quizzes there. AMIRA: And it’s where I won my first karaoke battle. We must resist. Musical Interlude: ?ﾸﾏ “Secrets in grease stains, answers in crumbs / A love wrapped in paper, when the truth finally comes…”
ACT IV: “Fry-Day Wedding”
Scene: A wild wedding party. Amira and Jack crash. Ezra DJs in sequins. Nana Mo flirts shamelessly.
EZRA: Your girl just downed prosecco and told the groom’s aunt she’s an astrologer. JACK: She’s unpredictable. It’s half the appeal. AMIRA: We said we’re engaged for free booze. That’s love-adjacent. JACK: Want to make it real? AMIRA: Only if chips are the ring bearers. Musical Interlude: ? “Fake vows, true sparks, borrowed fries / Dancing through lies where romance defies…”
ACT V: “The Grease Rebellion”
Scene: Outside the Frog and Furkin, protest signs, chip-themed chants. Amira leads. Jack stands with her.
AMIRA: They want our memories incinerated. Our snacks pulverized. JACK: Then we fight with ketchup and passion. EZRA: DJ booth ready. Pickled egg artillery loaded. NANA MO: I baked emotional support pasties. (They rally. Chant. Laugh. Even the Councilman seems moved.) COUNCILMAN: Perhaps we were wrong. The grease runs deep. JACK: Told you. Romance and rebellion. AMIRA: Kiss me. But next time, bring tartar sauce. Musical Finale: ? “Love in wrappers, dreams in crumbs / Together we’re golden, no matter what comes…” [CURTAIN]
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