Rachel Reeves Declares: The Air Will No Longer Be Free

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE  

London, UK – 17 July 2025 – Amidst growing concerns over a £22 billion deficit in the UK economy, Chancellor Rachel Reeves has unveiled a bold and unconventional fiscal policy: taxing the very air we breathe.

After dismissing an early proposal to impose a windfall tax on individuals named Eric—a personal vendetta stemming from a particularly unpleasant encounter with a Royal Navy officer a decade ago—Reeves took inspiration from humanity’s most taken-for-granted resource: oxygen.

“People go around inhaling like they own the atmosphere,” Reeves reportedly said. “It’s a government excuse for taxes.

Air - the drama

 ACT I – Scene 2: The Air Office   

A drab bureaucratic chamber lined with plastic plants and a sign that reads “Breathe Responsibly.” MAEVE, our coughing playwright, sits across from DUNCAN, a stern Air Tax Auditor with a personality dryer than his suit.

DUNCAN:
According to your BreathLog™, you’ve exceeded your monthly quota of inhalations by... (taps screen) twelve sighs and two gasps.

MAEVE:
That was during a poetry slam. Emotional distress should be tax-deductible.

DUNCAN (deadpan):
Feelings are premium features. Please upgrade to our Platinum Emote™ package if you wish to express angst or yearning.

MAEVE:
I can’t afford yearning—I’m still paying off last month’s mild panic.

DUNCAN (without blinking):
You should try repression. Very affordable.

MAEVE:
Isn’t that what your face is subscribed to?

DUNCAN:
Silver-tier. I’m not allowed joy until next quarter.