Blackpool Illuminations so Carbon Zero

Blackpool goes carbon 0, non-nuclear

The Lights That Changed Everything

Scene: Blackpool promenade at night. The Illuminations are glowing faintly. Enter DEREK, a fiercely proud Yorkshire man, and GEMMA, an eco-enthusiast from Manchester.

GEMMA: You dragged me here on a Tuesday, Derek. I thought we were going to see your steam plasma thingy—not fairy lights powered by nostalgia.

DEREK (grinning): Ey up, lass. Patience. The lights tonight are powered by my idea. No coal, no gas, no guilt. Just steam and Yorkshire grit!

GEMMA: Right. So you built a steam turbine out of your mum’s kettle?

DEREK: Don't be daft. It’s a proper setup. Thirty cylinders, steam plasma boiling water faster than me running from a parking fine.

GEMMA: You? Running? More like a leisurely amble powered by strong tea and indignation.

(Suddenly, the lights flicker, then blaze brighter than ever before.)

DEREK (puffing proudly): There. Powered by H₂O and elbow grease. Blackpool shining like the beaches of Mauritius—all without a lick of fossil fuel.

GEMMA: Mauritius? Mate, that’s bold. You’ve turned Blackpool into a tropical fantasy—minus the coconuts.

DEREK: We’ve got donkeys. Close enough.

(Enter MAYOR BAINES, flustered but impressed.)

MAYOR BAINES: Derek! What in Saint Elmo’s spark is this?

DEREK: Carbon zero illumination, Mayor. That machine’s generating 1.5 megawatts of pure magic. And all we used was steam... and Yorkshire thrift.

MAYOR BAINES: Thrift? You charged me £1,300 a month for a rented turbine!

DEREK: Ay, but we bought it in month one. Classic Yorkshire move—spend once, brag forever.

(Crowds gather, dazzled by the display.)

GEMMA: You’ve done it, Derek. Blackpool’s got a glow-up, and the planet gets a breather.

DEREK (winking): And I get my face on a plaque, right under “Powered by stubbornness.”

MAYOR BAINES: Or maybe “The man who lit up the North—without lighting a match.”

(They all laugh as fireworks powered by excess turbine energy go off. Derek flinches.)

DEREK: Blimey, should’ve added earplugs to the budget...