Dear future immigrants,
Welcome to Blighty, where the skies are grey, the tea is warm, and the queue is a sacred institution. You’ve made it through customs—congratulations! Now please form an orderly line at the NHS Spa & Immigration Centre, sponsored by Brown Ale™ and taxpayer exhaustion.
As part of our new initiative—Healthcare Access Through Utter Confusion (HATUC)—each newcomer will receive:
A commemorative umbrella (to shield yourself from falling funding).
A DIY surgery kit (because waiting lists are longer than the Brexit negotiations).
A complimentary lecture titled “How to Be Grateful While Understaffed” by our one remaining GP.
You will also be issued a health insurance invoice which must be paid in full, in advance, with compound interest—preferably in tears. This helps maintain the illusion that the NHS is still "free at the point of use," just not free of bureaucratic mystique.
EU citizens, we haven’t forgotten you! Now that you’ve been liberated from European VAT, you can enjoy the NHS—once you’ve proven you've eaten enough Marmite to be considered culturally assimilated.
Remember: Britain’s weather may dampen your spirits, but our healthcare system will keep your cynicism alive and well.
Tea and irony served daily. Walk-ins welcome. Appointments unavailable.
If you’d like a version tailored for print, a mock campaign ad, or a satirical character monologue—say, from a fictional MP defending this mess—I’m ready to roll out the red tape. Shall we keep poking the beast?
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